Dark Day

Today, I woke up feeling like my dog had died. I just felt down inside and knew immediately that this was going to feel like a dark day. There does not have to be a reason or a cause behind why I get like this. I’m getting to the point where this feels like a state of mind I constantly stay in. It’s sad and unfair because I am one of a minority of people that is actually trying to get better. I see people that are happy, energetic, and have the world ahead of them.  Many people before me and after me have gone to college and gotten degrees to hang on their wall. My wall looks pretty dam bare though. A piece of paper is not really going to make me feel good enough though. I was never validated as a kid. I don’t recall my mom ever saying she was proud of me, asking what I wanted to become, helping me set goals, etc. I’ve had to fight tooth and nail to get where I am but where exactly is that?

My marriage failed

School has failed

I’ve quit tons of jobs

If single, even working full time, I am limited to renting a single room in Charleston WITH roommates

Major debt

Alone. I feel so fucking alone. I miss my grandmother. I miss my siblings. I miss the phone calls.

What have I accomplished you ask? 

I can pack my life into a car

Feeling a level of fear that most people never get near

I have an Associates Degree that has done NOTHING for me(that I’ve been paying off for 6 plus years I believe)

Survived chronic bronchitis, pneumonia , and mono

Finding a counselor and Psychiatrist and trying to stick with them, despite having no insurance

Continuously cleaning my boyfriends house (laundry, dishes, floors, bathrooms, etc.)

Started a YouTube Channel “Jenny Laura”

Maintain a relationship, despite my depression

 

I’m tired of life being this level of fucking hard. I can’t afford college, I qualify for a minimum wage job at best (and that is IF I can land it), I don’t have one good friend in SC, I’m almost 30 with no children, it has become appealing to be completely isolated, I’m paranoid all the time that I will see my mom in a store, I rarely see family, I can’t afford my car payment/insurance payment/loan payment/phone payment/credit card payment, none of my pets are up to date on their medical treatment, my boyfriend and I are both un employed currently, I live in SC which I hate, and life just is feeling pretty pointless. My soul continues to hurt for things that I cannot fix, that I will never be able to fix.

If it sounds like I am stomping my feet and throwing a tempter tantrum I AM. I’m so over everything. I’m thankful for my boyfriend, my pets, food in the fridge, and a home. I don’t take any of that for granted because I have experienced the exact reverse. But the reality is that I am not married. I could blink my eyes and even the above could all go away.  I’ve come to the realization that everything good is over all, temporary.

If you think I sound depressed, I AM. This is why I write because it helps me get it out. And ironically, maybe my darkness can be perceived as light for someone in a similar state of mind. When you feel less alone, you feel comforted in a way that you cannot make yourself normally feel. I can eat and drink my pain but when I find someone who has suffered trauma and abuse, it is like drinking a cup of warm sweet coffee. This may sound insane but when trauma meets trauma, there is a special bond and understanding. Only a few people will probably get this.

Anyway, sorry to be such a downer. I just needed to get this off my chest as clearly, I am having a dark day. I hope one day they get a little brighter. Even dim would be ok. All this darkness is really wearing on my. I need to really spend some time praying about all this. I have faith that God can not only take away but he can give. If I learned anything from the grief class I took, it is that God “loans” us people that are special to us in our life but there comes a time when we must return them back because they belong to him. Every time I ask myself WHY I need to tell myself that. He didn’t TAKE anything or anyone, as each and every one of us belongs with him. He has a safe and beautiful place prepared for us and those we love that must go home. The biggest comfort is knowing that I will see people again. That this is not the end. Because if it was, I honestly would be done as a person.

Thank you for listening, loving, and supporting. Even on the dark days when it hurts.

 

 

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This Life Breaks My Heart

Hey Yall. So I am having a really dark day today. One of those days where it is raining and my heart hurts. The kind of day where nothing makes sense and I struggle to care anymore. In counseling, I’m supposed to come up with things that I am good at in my life. All I can think of is this giant list of things I’ve failed at, moments I have missed, and tears I have cried. Somehow, I think if I turn that in the assignment has been failed. It is hard to think “positively” when you hate that word and all that is associated with it. Happy people make me want to drink until I do not know what universe I am in. I fucking hate people that have their life, their perfect grass, and their families together. Their phones ring with people at the other end that want to talk to them. People that care and are full of love. Why can’t I call heaven? I’m thinking of buying a fake phone and just pretend to call people. I’m so lonely in this world full of insignificant people. People that walk through you, laugh at you, use you, and ultimately leave you. I don’t just despise where I live, I despise life. Is it depression or reality talking? Not long ago, there was ANOTHER shooting at a church in Texas. There is no where safe to go to find peace anymore. No one trusts the person behind them to catch them if the fall. Whatever it is, this life breaks my heart.

 

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To The People That Stare

Hey Yall

I am dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression right now. I felt like it would help me to write this blog about those that choose to stand away and judge with only what they can see. I wanted to write this letter in honor of all those that could have been amazing in people’s lives, had they been given the chance. It is my goal to stand for those that suffer from mental illness and try to function despite the many obstacles that are, not by choice, put int their way. I can say things like “it is not fair” until I am blue in the face. Instead, tonight, I am going to write a letter. Dedicated to all those that looked me over and decided I was not good enough, that my story was too hard to relate too, that I was from the wrong side of the tracks, and that all around I was just a wild child in which they needed to stay away from.

To Whom It May Concern, 

When I met you, I most likely did not look into your eyes. During our first conversation it probably took all the energy I had to force a few sentences out. Without looking at you, I already knew I looked like a wounded animal that was shrinking  back to a safe place to die after our conversation. For it is not you that did this to me. It was someone long ago that broke a trust within me that I needed to connect with you.  I have no blue print of what a normal relationship is supposed to look like so in my mind, I’ve already failed. I’ve failed myself and I have failed you before we even had a chance to begin.

It is not your fault that you do not know my story, why I want to write it on my body, or write about it to the world. What hurts the most is that before you even get close to my story, you see warning signs ahead to turn around. Not only do you turn around but you do it so fast that tire tracks are left all over my heart. I felt the motion of the expected rejection that continuously happens to me on this road. You have become another name added to a long list of those before you that left.

Had you taken the time to make the spell that produces a key, you would have realized that nothing is as you saw it before. When you combine kindness, patience, and love you create a key into an ill persons heart. What you saw before you is what WAS and what lies inside is what IS. You would have have found broken glass that was once beautiful. Using your hands, you could have helped put me back together again. There would have been an overgrown garden full of thorns that once held the most sensational flowers. You could have slowly cut back all that was sharp and used your hands to bring that which was dead back to life. That is the power that one who cares carries within them.

Instead, you chose a different path that involved taking the key you could have used on me to lock yourself inside your world. Though I knocked you chose to not open, to not listen, and to not let me in. I was an outsider which was meant to stay on the other side of wherever you were. You did stare though. Oh, how you did stare at me with a  dark judgement that I never could shake. It made me feel cold and vulnerable when I was locked on the outside. Everything hurt and my body grew tired from trying to stand. Because I was weak I stood there and let you define me in a way that I was truly undeserving of. In a truly pathetic sense, it was better than nothing. Nothing means being alone.

I hope one day you stop staring at me. For you have no idea the loss I have endured, the obstacles that I have crossed, the miles I have traveled, the addresses I have lived, the promises that have been broken, and all that which was  taken from me. Yes, I may be rebellious, wild, angry, and free but it is due to these traits that I have survived today. Though I owe you nothing I can at least explain that there is no degree because I was trying to not die. I was trying to survive people like you as well, who could have helped but continuously hurt me. So feel proud, in your world, that I am not there. You have no idea how strong I am, who I could have been to you, or what I am even capable of.  Your eyes lie to you and one day, when you realize this, you will stop staring.

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You Can’t Buy or Eat Comfort But it Does Not Stop Me From Trying

Hey Yall!

So today I just wanted to quickly write about something that I struggle with. Everyone turns to something when they are in pain be it drinking, drugs, cutting, collecting, shopping, etc.  My issue is definitely shopping for items when I feel like my life is crashing down on me. The largest source of comfort is to be around great stories that have plots having to do with everything but my life, which is quite refreshing to say the least.  There is great comfort in that.  I’ve spent a tremendous amount of money trying to feel better only to be left broke and still miserable.  Just like many others, I feel that rush of excitement when I discover a new item. It may be new, look amazing, have pastel colors, or just something about it calms me. Into my buggy it goes and out the door to home. Only to find a corner to sit in and collect dust as I go back out and hunt for others that will make me feel a similar way. There is never enough time to buy all the things that I’m hoping are going to make be feel better. The older I get the more I realize that happiness cannot be bought. It also can’t be eaten…….

For those of us who are stress eaters, we understand the desire to stuff our mouths like squirrels.  I just sat here and ate 1/2 bag of Autumn mix candies. I can literally feel my teeth about to vacate my mouth due to an extreme sugar high. In Weight Watchers points, I think I may have scored in the millions over the past 30 minutes. Thankfully, I am not on that diet. So at least that is something. All jokes aside, I do try to often cope with life by eating. Because I enjoy eating and there are so few things that I enjoy, I tend to over eat. I do not by any means sit here and eat bon bons all day! I’m sure though that my portion sizes are too big, that I splurge to much, and that I eat too late. I’ve eaten many meals and I can tell you as someone who loves food that never once has my plate fixed one dam thing about my life. Shocker. And yet I continue the horrible cycle of being over weight and hurting myself with food. It is interesting how people in general return to what feels safe. Even if it is really bad for them. I believe that the same goes for habit, especially the hurtful ones. Raise your hand if you are over weight and truly happy? ::crickets:: yep…..

So how do we stop doing each of these things? I would guess that the first step would be admitting that we have a problem. By problem I do not mean that you are crazy. I’m saying that we are doing these things to ourselves because we are hurting on the inside. Many of us may not know why while others remember vividly the cause for our intense binges.  Speaking for myself, I do not WANT to remember. When I have to focus on that which happened to me it sends me into a complete downward spiral.  It is going to take me a long time to figure out how to not over eat. That has always been a huge problem in my life. With that being said, I can say that I am taking steps to address the spending money issue. I am currently reading a book called “goodbye, things” by Fumio Sasaki.  The writer advises readers on how to become a minimalist and change their life style.  Though I do not think I will be rolling out a sleeping bag for my bed or drying myself with only a wash cloth to save space any time in the near future, I can say that I am going to gain a lot from his book. I can identify with the thought process he describes that goes through our head when we purchase something.  Sasaki also goes on to explain how we can experience joy by having less. I’m currently reading his tips on how to let go of things I own. So far, I have a large bag packed for the thrift store. Tomorrow, I am going to be going through the books I own and seeing what I can donate of those . I cleaned the entire kitchen tonight and feel quite relieved at how it momentarily looks. Suffering from anxiety I can tell you that a clean atmosphere is essential. I cannot function when I am surrounded by a mess. It must be taken into consideration that we have 6 pets though so there is extensively more clean up in my house than the average house. Hence, why I probably stay exhausted. -_- Below is a picture of the kitchen that took me forever to clean… I rearranged things on the counter so that everything fits better!

Sometimes it is just a matter of going through what you do not need anymore. I did have a KCup holder that stood up vertically and took up a lot of space.

I realized that I could just use the storage underneath my Keurig to hold my KCups. The holder is now going into the donation bag and the counter is looking much better!

If I come up with any ideas on the eating thing I will let yall know. I feel that being in counseling is essential if you feel like you are struggling.  If you seek out a counselor, know that there are MANY out there and that if you do not connect with your counselor, move on. You do not want to share your life with someone that you do not feel you can trust, professional or not.  Remember, this is the person you are going to share dark secrets with like the late nights of stuffing your face or of the tremendous credit card debt from over shopping trips. Also, if you are struggling financially and need a counselor, remember to ask places if they have a sliding scale. This means that they will base your payment off of your income. This often requires you to bring in a pay stub or a certified letter stating you are unemployed.

Hope this info helps someone and remember to hang in there. ♥ Check out the book “goodbye, things” by Fumio Sasaki too for great tips on how to de clutter your life. Have a good night!

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What Do You RUN From?

Hey Yall

It is super early in the morning and I have been unable to fall asleep. I decided to stay up and read my book “Don’t Try To Find Me” by Holly Brown. The book is OK… not one of my favorites. I am trying to hang in there and finish it. I like books that are more fast paced and less drawn out. But needless to say, it helped motivate me for this blog post. The book has to do with a 14 year old girl that gets on a bus and runs away from her life. Thinking it over, I realized we are all running from something. I think it is human nature. Even brave people feel fear. Which leads me to ask you…

What do YOU run from? 

My Answer:

A person knocking on the door (due to PTSD)

Butterflies, roaches, moths (I hate bugs)

My boyfriend trying to tickle me

The truth (denial is just easier)

Checking my account balance. (I shop like I am a millionaire)

My Identity (I have tried to be so many different types of people. It is exhausting.)

Going to bars with people (I prefer a beer at my own house)

Getting rid of my books (I love my books)

Cleaning the litter boxes (yuck)

Wearing tights, dresses, or sleeveless shirts (hate it. no)

Mushrooms and seafood. (Cannot stand either)

Ok those are ALL ! I would love to hear what you run from. They can be comical things or other darker things. No judgement. Everyone is different. Hope you are having a great night/really early morning. See you soon!

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Square Pegs Don’t Fit Round Holes. Ever.

Hey Yall

In honor of this being my last week at work, I wanted to write about square pegs and round holes.  You see, those two things just don’t fit together. It is mathematically impossible to get a square into a circle without incredible force. And yet, this is attempted on a daily basis by people trying to keep their jobs that are in all actuality, miserable. I look around and almost every where I look I see miserable employees. It could be the gas station, the thrift store, the grocery store, etc. I do not claim that I know why all these people are upset but I do know that forcing yourself to conform for a job can cause major discomfort.

When I go into a job interview, I automatically feel like the picture above. Despite who I am, what my beliefs are, or my top priorities, I have to often be able to compromise all of that to get a paid position. Managers always act like they are doing you a favor to give you a job, not the other way around. And honestly, it is complete bullshit. Many jobs today require that you cover your tattoos. Tattoos have NOTHING to do with a persons work ethic. One of the hardest working people I know in my life is a girl that has many tattoos. My current position did allow tattoos to be shown which was unusual for a medical company! Jobs want you to be the resemblance of perfection. Meaning, you could be having the crappiest day of your life but you must plaster on a smile for hours and act as if you just one the lottery. That is not draining, no? And if you have a religion, you can almost forget practicing it on a regular basis. Often in interviews, you are told that you will be working nights, weekends, and holidays. Doesn’t that sound fantastic? No one wants to see their family on the holidays right? Fuck. Basically, you are selling your life for a very low hourly amount. I look back at all the moments and memories I have missed and know that it is NOT worth the money that I have made. Employees are burned out from compassion fatigue and being over worked. Not everyone is an extrovert! I myself am an introvert that has to be able to recharge or else I literally collapse and get sick.

If you are pretending at your job but are miserable, just know that there are OTHER jobs out there. You can get OUT. It is not worth spending years of your life with an employer that does not work with you or understand what their employees need to succeed. Everyone’s personality is different therefore everyone needs something different. It’s important to take the time to get to know your staff and figure out ways in which you can give back to those that have worked so hard for you.

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The Process of Grieving

Hey Yall ♥

For those that do not know, I am in grief therapy right now through my church. It is the hardest class that I have ever taken in that it is truly eye opening. One thing about myself is that whenever I go through something traumatic, I tend to draw away from the world and curl up into my own shell. I have felt many times that I surely am the only one that feels this level of alone. I’m here to tell you that I was wrong for feeling that way. EVERYONE experiences grief in different ways. One way everyone’s grief is the same is that it is all painful.  I cannot tell other peoples stories for privacy and respect reasons but I will say that the people in my class are truly carrying heavy burdens.  There are moments when I am so sad for myself and other moments where the sadness in other people’s faces is almost too hard to bear. When I started going to class the leader was very kind and explained to us that we did not have to talk if we did not want too. That it was completely optional. This took so much pressure off me as talking about what I am feeling currently feels impossible. We watch a video on grief, how to deal with it, what is normal, etc, on the TV and then some people choose to discuss their loss before we go home. When I get out of class, I literally feel like this…..

Tonight, I got in the car, in the rain, and cried all the way home. It is so much easier for me to try to numb it all out, work myself to death, and pretend like it never happened. Because of this, I can truly say that I never dealt with my sister or brother’s death. I did not know how too nor did I know who to lean on that could identify with what I am going through.  I kept seeing a brochure for grief therapy at my church. I can’t tell you how many times I took one and never made the step to take the class. After my grandmother passed, I knew I needed to get help. I’m so deflated, tired, devastated, etc. There is really no way for me to exactly explain it other than the fact that I  need help dealing with a loss on this level. This class is the type that I am going to look back on and know that it is exactly what I needed during this time in my life. I have faith that it is. However, as of right now, it feels hard and emotional. It is not an experience I WANT to do weekly. It is one that I know I must to dig myself out of this awful trench that I am in right now.

In class, they talk about exhaustion a lot. They discuss how it is normal to feel you have to force yourself to do anything. What was once easy (like taking a shower) now feels completely daunting.

Some people lose interest in things they used to love doing. Others cry often and feel in complete despair. It was mentioned that those grieving may see people around them that cause them to feel like they are looking at their loved one that passed. There is a lot that I can identify with in these videos. My boyfriend is taking the class with me which I truly appreciate. It helps to have support when you are going through something painful.

As I go through this class, I would love to make some blogs on things that I learn and tips that I can give people about grieving. Tonight, I was thankful that the people in the grief video said that “no one can rush you through your grief process.”  I know that there are so many people that feel one should snap back, that sadness is a sign of weakness, and that anyone that draws out sadness is being dramatic. This is ridiculous guys and clearly anyone that feels this way has never lost someone they love. Grief is the price we pay for loving someone so much. Experiencing extreme sadness is normal when we love those that we love.

If you are going through grief please know how sorry I am. I encourage you to reach out to your church to see if there is a grief counseling class. And if your church does not have one, check others! I know there have to be more classes like mine out there. There are also grief therapists. You need a support group (even if it is just one person) if you are going through this.

My ♥ truly goes out to you. If you have anything you would like to share in the comments, know that you are welcome too!

Have a wonderful night!

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Grieving and Everything Hurts

Hey Yall ♥

The one thing about grieving is that it can hit you at any time, place, or state of mind. I was laying in bed about to fall asleep and I was overcome with a longing for my grandmother. I miss her in a way I do not even know how to explain. No one prepares you for what it is like to lose your best friend. It is a feeling I would not wish on anyone, not even an enemy. I imagined myself talking to her tonight and her talking back. Telling her I missed her, asking if there was coffee in heaven (which she of course said yes), asking if all her friends were there (which again she said they were), telling her I loved her, etc. I imagined her in a white outfit, looking very healthy, on a beach walking in front of me. When she sees me she runs up to me and takes my hand. She wants to show me everything as she smiles excitedly. But I cannot go with her. At least not yet. In some way, she does seem to understand this. At this point, literally 1/4 of my boyfriends pillow is soaked with my tears. I feel God saying to me that He has her. That his angels are around me right now singing and comforting me. This I do truly believe is happening.

The fact is, there is no easy way to lose someone. I remember one of my co workers telling me after I lost my brother that it is normal to just feel everything. Some moments I may be fine and then others it will just hit me. My grandmother was not even like a best friend, she was a mom. You know when we lack something in our lives and someone fills that void, they are truly irreplaceable. There were all these gaps and cracks in my heart and she did everything in her power to fill them all in. When I felt I was ripping apart she would stitch me back together as fast as she could. And just to make sure I was OK, she would call me several times a day to make sure. When the bottom dropped out, she threw me down that rope and pulled me up.

If I could have saved her, turned back time, or done anything to make it easier I would have. There are five stages to grief:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining 

Depression 

Acceptance 

I know right now I am in the denial phase. Though I am grieving her, it comes in waves. I feel as if I am in shock and that I’m going to wake up, that she is still here. In time, I’m sure the sheer anger of her being taken will come. Most likely, I will completely turn the anger onto myself for not visiting more or being there for her more. I’m not sure what bargaining will feel like in that I know I cannot get her back. I feel like bargaining may come right before a person passes. I would have given my right arm for her to stay here. Literally. Depression I’m sure will come very natural as this tends to be my state of mind these days. And acceptance, in time, will follow all of this. I would not believe it but for the fact I have lost people before and been through a divorce. I’ve complete faith that this is an actual stage that happens when we least expect it. When our tears have run out and we feel as if we ourselves are one foot in the grave.  Relief comes as our memory begins to slip and our sadness starts to lighten ever so much.  It’s so discreet that it is hard to tell it has even happened until one day we look back and realize, it has. And that we have survived the entire process. If you are grieving, understand that you are not alone and that all of this is truly a painful process that we must go through. The preacher at my grandmother’s funeral said “we grieve because we loved so much.” It is true.

It is important to always remember that where there is pain, there is also a pen. You can always write down everything that is in your heart. I choose to share it on my blog and through YouTube publicly because this is what has always felt comforting to me.  I reach out to people because I truly need the support, as I have lacked it so much in my life. It may sound desperate but I have met such kind people through doing this that have sent me an immense amount of comfort. Even those that do not reach out I want you to know that I appreciate your prayers, thoughts, and time to come and hear my story.

If you are going through something painful, I recommend the song “Stronger” by Sarah Evans. It can be found in the link below. Though it is about a breakup, it applies to any type of grief we are going through. Click below to listen:

“Stronger” – By Sarah Evans 

Another good one is by Carrie Underwood called “I Will See You Again.” I will put this one below as well. Just click on the song and you will be directed to it:

“I Will See You Again” – By Carrie Underwood 

This was our last coffee together. Gaga always wanted a straw to go with her coffee ♥ I hope God makes her a lot of it in heaven. Take care of her Lord. She was my angel.

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Losing Her – The Most Painful Experience of my Life

Hey Yall

I am not sure how to even explain what I have been through over the past few days. Everything is really a blur.  I want to wake up and none of this have happened. I got a call on August 15th from my Aunt. I knew my grandmother had gone into the hospital for some tests and was not feeling well. However, I did not know that she turned critical until I answered that call. My aunt let me know she was headed down and that my grandmother may not recover.  Though my grandmother, “Gaga,” was very sick I knew that she had bounced back before. I could not wrap my mind around her not recovering. She had to recover, as she was the strongest person I knew. My boyfriend and I did both rush home, pack a bag, and jumped in the car. When we got there my grandmother had an oxygen mask on and I could tell was not doing well.

I did everything I could think of to do to make her comfortable. I brushed her hair, held her hands, and talked to her. She started opening her eyes some when my boyfriend and I got there. She would respond to my voice each time I talked to her and though she could not speak back, I knew she could hear me. We were waiting until my Aunt made it to take off the mask. I had this horrific feeling that she was going to feel miserable without the mask and that everything was going to go wrong. However, that is not what happened. When everyone was there and the mask was removed, she seemed to feel a lot better. She actually was able to say “yes” and “no” to questions. When I asked her if she wanted to go to Starbucks she said “yep.”   I told her when she got better we would go. Her vitals seemed to stabilize somewhat and after answering us some she fell back asleep.

When she was opening her eyes some what with the mask I did get to show her what a beautiful day it was outside from a picture on my phone. I truly believe heaven was getting ready for her beautiful soul.

My grandmother was later moved to a hospital room on a floor. The nurse mentioned the word “comfort care” which I hated. I felt like she was going to recover and that they should not call it that. Looking back, I am so thankful for the nurses who truly did make sure she stayed comfortable. Julie, my aunt, and I stayed up off and on through the night with Gaga. Other people went home due to exhaustion. Every time I woke up I checked to see if she was breathing. I slept sitting straight up and leaning over her bed. My boyfriend was next to me in the bed. I could have lay down but I chose not too. It seemed too far away. My aunt slept in a chair on the other side of her bed. There was a point in the night when my grandmother did start to struggle and reach out. Immediately, we called for meds which led to more meds. My aunt eventually looked at me with this look that let me know this was not reversing. There is no greater pain than seeing someone you love suffer. My grandmother, Laura Ann, was hands down the best person I have EVER known.

She took me in when I had no where to go, accepted every single path (as crazy as many were) that I went down, and took interest in me in a way no one ever has. She was a mom I never had, a friend I always enjoyed, and someone I confided in. “Gaga” LOVED to shop, go to movies (and eat tons of popcorn), and get coffee with me. I cannot explain the respect and love that I have for her and always will. She was authentic and loved the Lord. I am at peace knowing that when she passed, we were all in the room. We were laughing and talking about memories and she did not struggle. I also know where she is right now and that is with God, watching over us. She had the most beautiful  white casket and pink & purple flowers. Even the inside of the casket was pink! It was incredibly fitting for her as she loved roses and those colors.  I miss her and always will. We talked (she listened) over those few days at the hospital. I told her that it has been an honor, that I expected her at all of my future events like my wedding/kids/etc, how thankful I was to her for all that she had done for me, how incredible she was, etc. I played “I Will See You Again” by Carrie Underwood for her. My aunt and I hummed “Amazing Grace” on Wednesday night when she started struggling. We kept re positioning her so that she would be comfortable. We also played classical music and hymns, which she would have loved.  Everyone got there time to speak with her alone and say goodbye. She hung on until we were all looking away talking to each other in her room to go.

We took breaks in between of taking care of her. My boyfriend held my hand outside of the hospital, brought us coffee, helped my grandfather get home to rest, brought us back McDonalds (and me some healthy snacks),  spent the night at the hospital, brought back my grandmother’s false teeth and glasses to the hospital, etc. I am so thankful for him that he went through that with me. People show who they truly are in times like this. I’m very lucky to be with a person like him.

On August 16, my grandmother passed away in the afternoon. I wish I could change it for myself because selfishly I want to keep her in my life forever. But she made me who I am and had such an effect on everyone around her. Many people showed up to her funeral and she is buried in a cemetery that is absolutely beautiful. There are so many oak trees with moss all  around. I will enjoy going to talk to her and am at peace knowing that she was laid to rest there.  It is never our time someone we love passes but it is theirs. I pray that God takes care of her, makes her lots of coffee, and lets her come back to watch over us. Until I see you again one day Gaga…I like to think of you doing your favorite things up in heaven….

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I’ve Lost my Passion

Hey yall

Tonight, I just need to vent some of the things going on inside my head. In trying to decide if I should go back to school, knowing I need to make many doctors appointments, and feeling defeated before today has really begun…. this is where I am at. I am fighting the urge to make coffee just for the comforting smell of it. Part of me wants to curl into a ball and cry while the other dares me to move because my black cat that rarely sits still is at my feet. Animals just know. They really  do.

Do you ever need some kind of passion to come back. The kind that was raw, real, and convicting. I miss feeling so driven to pick up my camera that I could not handle it. I wish I still felt like I could not express the feeling without the ability to write it with light. What happens when you have lost your passion? Be it from heart ache, loss, or extreme sadness. How do you get it back or do you ever? These are questions that I have no idea how to answer.

 All I know is that I miss feeling like I have a purpose. I miss the strength that I used to have to fight the world. I miss being brave, strong, and resilient. I feel tired and weak. Everything that used to have color is now black and white. I can’t find hope or help and that scares me. Nothing is as I thought it would turn out to be. I never thought I would be divorced much less having to check it on every paper for the rest of my life. The list should say “single,” “married,” or “TAINTED.” That is how I feel every time I have to tell people I was.

Yesterday just felt sad, hence the vent. Thanks for listening yall.

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