Grieving and Everything Hurts

Hey Yall ♥

The one thing about grieving is that it can hit you at any time, place, or state of mind. I was laying in bed about to fall asleep and I was overcome with a longing for my grandmother. I miss her in a way I do not even know how to explain. No one prepares you for what it is like to lose your best friend. It is a feeling I would not wish on anyone, not even an enemy. I imagined myself talking to her tonight and her talking back. Telling her I missed her, asking if there was coffee in heaven (which she of course said yes), asking if all her friends were there (which again she said they were), telling her I loved her, etc. I imagined her in a white outfit, looking very healthy, on a beach walking in front of me. When she sees me she runs up to me and takes my hand. She wants to show me everything as she smiles excitedly. But I cannot go with her. At least not yet. In some way, she does seem to understand this. At this point, literally 1/4 of my boyfriends pillow is soaked with my tears. I feel God saying to me that He has her. That his angels are around me right now singing and comforting me. This I do truly believe is happening.

The fact is, there is no easy way to lose someone. I remember one of my co workers telling me after I lost my brother that it is normal to just feel everything. Some moments I may be fine and then others it will just hit me. My grandmother was not even like a best friend, she was a mom. You know when we lack something in our lives and someone fills that void, they are truly irreplaceable. There were all these gaps and cracks in my heart and she did everything in her power to fill them all in. When I felt I was ripping apart she would stitch me back together as fast as she could. And just to make sure I was OK, she would call me several times a day to make sure. When the bottom dropped out, she threw me down that rope and pulled me up.

If I could have saved her, turned back time, or done anything to make it easier I would have. There are five stages to grief:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining 

Depression 

Acceptance 

I know right now I am in the denial phase. Though I am grieving her, it comes in waves. I feel as if I am in shock and that I’m going to wake up, that she is still here. In time, I’m sure the sheer anger of her being taken will come. Most likely, I will completely turn the anger onto myself for not visiting more or being there for her more. I’m not sure what bargaining will feel like in that I know I cannot get her back. I feel like bargaining may come right before a person passes. I would have given my right arm for her to stay here. Literally. Depression I’m sure will come very natural as this tends to be my state of mind these days. And acceptance, in time, will follow all of this. I would not believe it but for the fact I have lost people before and been through a divorce. I’ve complete faith that this is an actual stage that happens when we least expect it. When our tears have run out and we feel as if we ourselves are one foot in the grave.  Relief comes as our memory begins to slip and our sadness starts to lighten ever so much.  It’s so discreet that it is hard to tell it has even happened until one day we look back and realize, it has. And that we have survived the entire process. If you are grieving, understand that you are not alone and that all of this is truly a painful process that we must go through. The preacher at my grandmother’s funeral said “we grieve because we loved so much.” It is true.

It is important to always remember that where there is pain, there is also a pen. You can always write down everything that is in your heart. I choose to share it on my blog and through YouTube publicly because this is what has always felt comforting to me.  I reach out to people because I truly need the support, as I have lacked it so much in my life. It may sound desperate but I have met such kind people through doing this that have sent me an immense amount of comfort. Even those that do not reach out I want you to know that I appreciate your prayers, thoughts, and time to come and hear my story.

If you are going through something painful, I recommend the song “Stronger” by Sarah Evans. It can be found in the link below. Though it is about a breakup, it applies to any type of grief we are going through. Click below to listen:

“Stronger” – By Sarah Evans 

Another good one is by Carrie Underwood called “I Will See You Again.” I will put this one below as well. Just click on the song and you will be directed to it:

“I Will See You Again” – By Carrie Underwood 

This was our last coffee together. Gaga always wanted a straw to go with her coffee ♥ I hope God makes her a lot of it in heaven. Take care of her Lord. She was my angel.

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