October Dollar Tree Finds #2

Hey Yall! Hope everyone is having a great day! I found some great October Dollar Tree Finds today that I wanted to share with you. I absolutely love how the Dollar Tree is using dogs in their Christmas bags and notebooks. Some of the cutest notebooks I have ever seen are located below. I am going to go back tomorrow and pick up several! The thing about finding cute items like this is that they sell out and sometimes do not re stock. You almost have to buy things when you see them. I just wish they put the Christmas decor out a little closer to the actual holiday.

They also had a lot of mini Christmas tree items like ornaments, a tree skirt, star, etc.  Along with decorations, they were selling mini Christmas Trees. I did not get one because I actually have a small green one that I am going to try and use. I may pick up a white Christmas Tree though when I go back to have as back up. I have just noticed everyone hauling these and I just kind of like to do something different. If you need floral, the Dollar Tree has some beautiful Christmas Floral. I almost picked up some today but was trying to not go over board.

You can find some very cute note pads as well to put on your fridge. Below is a picture of the cutest one that I saw. There were four different designs in total though. I like to use these note pads to write down grocery lists. Something about them being right on the fridge allows me to always find them. If something does not have a magnet on the back it for some reason disappears in our house.

Before I went shopping for my October Dollar Tree Finds I recorded two friend mail videos. I had so much friend mail from before I had my wisdom teeth surgery till now that I had to make two thirty minute videos! I have SO many stickers, stationary, Washi tapes, etc that I do not know what to do with everything. People from my YouTube channel have been very kind and supportive.  I never realized how many people I would reach by making haul videos and book reviews.  ♥ If you are interested in watching my friend mail videos I will post the links below for you:

*** Massive Friend Mail Haul Part #1 ***

*** Massive Friend Mail Haul Part #2 ***

Two other October Dollar Tree Finds that I really liked were the scarfs and the coffee cups. They looked like they had just put both out! I will tell you from experience that the scarfs GO so if you want a scarf be sure to grab it when you see it 😉 I almost did not get one but ended up picking up the snow flake and the snow man one for me. They had four designs total. I also picked up two scarfs for a potential later give away ……shhhh. Also, for you coffee lovers they had some adorable cups. My favorite one is the truck below. As cute as it is, I have so many coffee mugs that I did not pick it up. I may change my mind on that though just due to the fact that there is a red truck on the cup!!! I am willing to bet that one will sell out as well.

I also stopped by the thrift store today and found this amazing pillow that I have to share with you!! NOT that I need any more pillows but I have learned that the best pillows to get are the ones with the zip covers so that if you need to store the pillow covers all you have to do is fold them up. This dog pillow was in such great shape that it literally did not look used. That is the kind of thing I prefer to buy from a thrift store. I do not mind things that are old, sometimes broken, or rusted if they are antique collectibles. Pillows on the other hand are another story. 🙂 This dog is called a Weimaraner  . ♥

Hope you enjoyed my October Dollar Tree Finds! If these items are not at your store yet then definitely check back. My store seems to get things absolutely last. It helps to watch haul videos though because it lets me know what to look for in my store. Hope you have a wonderful night and look forward to posting again soon! Take Care ♥


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October Dollar Tree Finds

Hey Yall! I’ve discovered some cute October Dollar Tree Finds  that I wanted to share with you! There are a lot of Halloween items at the store along with Christmas things.  It is only October so it is really hard to get motivated for Christmas. With that being said, sometimes you have to buy things ahead in order to get them. I’ve yet to do a Christmas haul but am sure that I will do one in the future. Today, my focus was more on buying some after surgery snacks, washi tape, and a few pencil sharpeners for girls that I write too. Hope you enjoy the pictures below. I must say that the little brooms were SO adorable. I highly recommend going out to see what you can find at your Dollar Tree!

Below are some other October Dollar Tree finds that I came across while in the store. I especially liked the Halloween solar lights. I may go back and get a  few of the skull ones to put along our walk way. If anyone has tried the Dollar Tree solar lights please let me know how they are. For some reason the ones I have gotten from places like Lowes always seem to fall apart.

There are a few non Halloween items that I took a picture of as well below.  I did end up getting an owl pencil sharpener and a cupcake one. I also grabbed several rolls of Washi tape. The patterns I chose were the ducks, cupcakes, and blue/white print. The little tractors were very cute too but I just did not see myself using that one. For those that send friend mail, Washi tape is a very popular item to send! I always try to grab a few extra rolls of the same pattern so that I can have one and I can send one too.

I hope that everyone enjoyed this October Dollar Tree Finds! If you would like to watch the YouTube video on my haul it is posted below. Hope that everyone has a good night. If you find anything you would like to share with me, you are more than welcome to email me at craftsandcamera@gmail.com . Also, I always love comments so feel free to leave me one and I will be sure to get back to you  ! Take Care.

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My Wisdom Teeth Removal Update

Hey Yall! This post is my wisdom teeth removal update  ♥. I can say that this past week has been anything but fun.  All of the bad side effects I have been having though are medication related. I’m sure not everyone would have such a hard time but I have always had a difficult time stomaching medication (especially strong pills). I was originally on Ibuprofen 800 mg, Percocet, Zofran, and Benadryl.

My first awful side effect was feeling extremely itchy. After going off of one of my initial anti biotics I continued to feel itchy but also nauseous as well. As disgusting as this sounds, I spent a large portion of the day trying to keep food down. After calling the oral surgeons office I was told to go off of the Zofran to see if that helped (which it did not). We called back and they said to go off of the Percocet. Later that night I finally started feeling less nauseous but extremely painful. This led to a follow up appointment this morning to see if I could take anything else with my 800 mg Ibuprofen.

Everything about this morning was OUCH.  I have realized why babies pull at their ears when their teeth are coming it and will have way more sympathy for them after this experience. It felt like pain was radiating from my ears but it was actually where they pulled my teeth at the back of my jaw. Jeremy made me an ice pack and put a wash cloth around it. He truly has been great with helping me. In moments of high stress he can be extremely strong, in a way that always impresses me. You can see his hand behind me as I hold the ice to my mouth in this picture.

After I was seen I was put on Hydro codeine to be rotated with the Ibuprofen every 6 hours. So far, thank goodness, I have been able to keep this medication down. They put be back on Zofran to take 20 minutes before the Hydro codeine to help with nausea. We went to CVS to get my meds and I walked around looking at all the very over priced items. They did have som really cute stuffed animals though that I took pictures of. I am glad I did not have money because I just may have come home with an over sized soft stuffed animal that I have no where to put.


On the way home I picked up some more egg drop soup and some skinny noodles with vegetables from the Chinese restaurant. It took effort to eat half of them and was painful to rinse them out of my gums. I know, GROSS. You have to rinse your gums though or you will get an infection. When I got home I just lay in the arm chair chilling with Daisy while waiting for my meds to kick in. It took several hours for anything to happen.

My friend, Jordan, got to hear my wisdom teeth removal update last night. She highly  recommended a crime series on Netflix so I watched several murder shows before I got any relief. I am unsure why in the world true crime is comforting but I have always found it fascinating. How investigators use evidence to track a criminal and figure out what happened is crazy ! Especially the use of luminol. If there is not blood present to the eye one can spray luminol over an area. If there is blood it will light up. The better technology gets the less likely people are able to get away with anything, as it should be.

I will end with my wisdom teeth removal update with this picture of these cute mini Halloween beanies. I did not buy any of these things because we are trying REALLY hard to not spend any money right now on anything other than food.  We are both job hunting and have a lot of bills. It is very overwhelming. -_-  I know though when something does not work out it is because it was not meant too. Hope everyone is having a good night. Thank you for all the support and love. ♥

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How to Make a Halloween Zen Garden

Halloween Zen Garden 


Hey Yall! I hope everyone is doing well! Today we are going to learn how to make a Halloween Zen Garden. I made this craft before surgery and wanted to bring you a quick DIY on how to make this for your desk or Halloween decor. I got this idea from seeing a few different videos on YouTube. They had videos on making holiday zen gardens and just regular zen gardens. I did not come across a Halloween one though (not saying that there is not one out there). I thought how cool it would be to make a Halloween Zen Garden so I came up with the idea of hwo to make a very affordable and easy Halloween Zen Garden ALL from the Dollar Tree!

Here is what you will need: 

Sand (I got 1 pack of white and 1 pack of black)

Small Box (Mine was a coffin Dollar Tree Box)

Cupcake Toppers

Skull Solar Dancing Skeleton (or other Halloween deco! You can get creative)

Bats (or other small decor to glue on your box or put in your sand

Halloween Colorful Bone Necklaces (3 come in a pack at the Dollar Tree)

Glue Gun & Glue sticks


It is VERY simple to make this. The first thing I did was cut with scissors the top off of my coffin Halloween box so that I had room to pour the sand. You can leave the top on if you want to but mine just got in the way.

You could also use the paper lid of a photo box, a plastic container, the back of a picture frame if it is deep enough, etc. Make sure backing of picture frame is very secured if you choose to use one.  After cutting the top off of my box I went on to pour in both the white and black sand. I would do 1/2 of each back but just measure it by eye balling. It depends on how deep your box is.


Now comes the fun part! You get to put things down in your sand.  I first placed my skeleton solar toy in the sand towards the top of the box. It fit really well and just really added to this craft. With the bone necklaces, I cut them up and dropped the shiny bones into the sand. You will have plenty left over! I did make a cut on both sides of each bone. Surprisingly, cutting the necklace one time did not cause all the bones to slide off the string like expected.

Finally, I placed the little orange cupcake toppers that I got at the Dollar Tree into the sand. These are cute as decor but also great to use as a little broom to move your sand back and forth. The point of a Zen garden is to lower stress which lets admit, we could all use less of right? Below is a video from my You Tube Channel That will show you a more up close look at the final product. I hope you enjoyed this craft. You are more than welcome to leave comments on my YouTube channel. I would love to see you there. ♥ Have a wonderful day yall and thank you for ALL the support I have gotten from my surgery. I truly do appreciate it.

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What it Was Like to Have My Wisdom Teeth Removed

Hey Yall!

Hey Yall! I wanted to let everyone know what it was like to have my wisdom teeth removed. I wanted to give you a bit of a walk through in case you need to get yours removed as far as what to expect. First and foremost, I feel this surgery went really well. If you are the type of person that often has a hard time with recovery I would mention this to your surgeon. The place I went to said in cases like that they will pre med you the day before your surgery, which I was. I am SURE that this helps with the pain level that I could be experiencing right now.

BEFORE going to your surgical appointment, I would highly recommend doing a few things at home. Any errands that need to be run, make sure they are done the day before surgery at the latest. You will be on meds and it is never a good idea to operate a vehicle when highly medicated. Always as your doctor. Set out your clothes you will be wearing for the surgery, as you will be getting up most likely quite early. Wear something comfortable and warm (not like a coat unless it is truly cold outside but you kwim). I wore a comfortable baggy shirt, yoga pants, and flip flops. Looking back, I would have warn thick pajama pants or work out pants due to getting chilly. Make sure all snacks/food/drinks are stocked in fridge before your surgery. This will cut back on a lot of stress when you are out of surgery just knowing you have things already at home. Everyone’s surgical instructions are different so please do not go off what mine said. But, I was given a sheet that explained how to prepare for my surgery. They wanted you to stop eating 9 hours I believe before the surgery which was easy as I stopped at 10 PMish and my surgery was at 9 AM. Make sure the person taking you to an appointment also reads this copy of after surgery instructions, as they will be the one to remember them the most 😉 .  Buy a pack or two of gauze at your house as you are going to need this for bleeding afterwords. I left the dentist with only the gauze in my mouth and I can assure you, you will probably need more.  Also, you need a syringe you can put salt water solution into. My surgeon did not give me this. Thankfully, when I went to the dentist they did give me one and I had that ready to go in the bathroom for the day after surgery. You will need to gently spray out the sites where your teeth were pulled so that food does not get stuck down in that area.

(me trying to feel my face…. attractive moments right here. The white stuff in my mouth is gauze.)

You can look up many videos on YouTube about what to eat after a wisdom tooth removal. My personal experience is not wanting to eat ANYTHING for hours after my surgery. This is not due to pain but to numbness in my case. Half of my mouth was so numb I could not feel it and my lips had a weird huge sensation even though I could have literally stuck a fork in them and not felt it. It was ODD but I tell you, those drugs were STRONG. I massaged my face (especially lips) with my hands and for some reason this helped over time for the feeling to come back.  Tonight, I did eat a Vanilla Chik Fil A Milk Shake followed by some Mashed potatoes for dinner. If you are nauseous or don’t feel comfortable eating then I would try to just drink some liquid. Your mouth is going to feel as dry as a desert! Don’t push yourself though if you feel that you can’t or that you may choke.

When you arrive for your surgery, make absolute sure that you bring someone with you that can stay the entire time. It is not a long surgery. I think at most it can take 1 hour but when I asked the nurse she said the actual time you are under is 30 minutes (the extra is getting an IV and prepped for surgery).  This person needs to not only stay but be available for the nurses to go over your after surgery needs and know where to go to pick up your medication, as you will be quite out of it after surgery. My boyfriend has been the one to hand meds all night. There is no way I could keep up with what is needed!  When I was called back they went over what I had taken med wise, when the last time I ate was, and made sure I had someone that was staying with me in the lobby.

Love him! I cannot explain all the things that he has been with me through and lobbies he has waited in. He also is the only reason I was able to get this surgery done today. Though I fuss at him, he is a truly amazing boyfriend and provider. I do hope he reads this and knows that I feel that way every day. The nurses also allowed me to ask any questions I had about the surgery before they put the IV in me. ANY questions you have, now is a good time to ask. ALSO BIG TIP is that BEFORE they put the IV in, ask if they can give you a blanket. IV’s make you cold due to the fluid going into your body. If you are not cold then you can always throw it off. I originally forgot to ask for an IV and felt quite shaky for a while when they left the room. Thankfully, they provided me with a very warm fuzzy blanket when they came back into the room.  This is what my IV site looked like after it was taken out:

The IV was what they put in me after I got done asking questions. This was just to give me fluids before the doctor came in and gave me the “good drugs.”  The IV is never a fast thing for me because I have small veins. The nurse had to try twice but I stayed very calm. The last thing you want is for your nurse to get anxiety when she is putting a needle in you! When that was in the two nurses left the room. It took a hot minute for the doctor  to come in but that may have been because I needed to get fluids for a little white. Again, please remember to ask for the BLANKET whether you are cold or not.

Falling asleep was quite fast. I remember the doctor asking his nurses what they were listening to on the radio. They mentioned that they would turn it for him. I suggested country as that is truly the best music ever in my opinion.  He did not look so thrilled ha! Personality wise I did not connect with this doctor based off recommendation, he was great at wisdom teeth removal.  ♥ I think he did a really great job with my mouth and I am pleased with the results. The surgery was fast and I woke up in no pain. I am still not in any pain. I do feel that tomorrow I may be achy but that is to be expected. I had to sit for a minute to wait for my heart rate to go down. Jeremy went to get the car and very quickly I was transferred from sitting and into the car. Gauze was already in my mouth when I woke up which I will prepare you is not the best sensation. Keep it there though until you need to change it out. I feel like I changed mine every 30 minutes at first but that it did slow down. I no longer am bleeding nor do I need any gauze in my mouth. I was legitimately prepared for the absolute worst and so far have been positively surprised!


Though the pictures above are not of my best moments…. I do want to show realistic pictures.  The second picture looks like I am a walrus that just lost a tusk ha! Despite the fact that I was exhausted I really was not in any pain shockingly . I will say that some of the meds I was put on made me quite itchy. Benadryl is a good option (always ask your doctor though) if you feel you are having an allergic reaction. Because I was on so many meds, I was not exactly sure what the itching was from so I did stay on daily Benadryl. Hopefully that will not happen to you but just wanted to throw that out there ♥

I hope that this blog post was helpful and took some fear away from what you previously thought about getting your wisdom teeth removed. Remind yourself that this is a FAST surgery. Your surgeon may give you gas. Not all do the IV but I was thankful mine did. This is a GOOD question to ask your surgeon, especially if you have high anxiety like me and need to understand how things are done. I have heard from people that had gas, gas and IV, and just IV. From everything I gather,  you will not remember a thing about your surgery. Now if you get them out in boot camp OR are thinking about going into the military PLEASE get them out before then. The comfort level you will have is much different in that scenario I can assure you.

Here is a quick funny video of me right after surgery. Hope it makes you laugh. Though I enjoy watching after surgery videos, they are sometimes best to watch AFTER your surgery is done. They could up your anxiety and cause you to think that is going to happen to you. Not everyone has a major reaction to anesthesia which honestly are what the best videos on YouTube are made up of. It can just give you the wrong impression. Some people talk a lot, others sleep a lot, and some people are completely normal. I can definitely tell I was drugged up but I did not say anything majorly crazy ha! Take Care and have a great night!

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How to Make an Easy Pumpkin Craft

Hey Yall! Want to know how to make an easy pumpkin craft.  I have an interesting story for you that is bit unusual and something I have never done before. You may remember a pumpkin I put together for Halloween. My little pumpkin looked like this once I was done putting a face on her:

I did decide to pass her forward because I was starting to get so much clutter. I dropped her off at Goodwill with some other items. I saw that her smile was falling off and I hoped they would put it back on her. Brace yourself for this next picture because just looking at it makes me feel really sad. This is what my little pumpkin looked like on the shelf of the thrift store when I saw her later:

I almost did not recognize her and felt extremely sad at the site of this. I have always gotten attached to things that I have made and cannot stand to see a site like this. Despite the fact that I originally paid $1 for this pumpkin at the Dollar Tree and despite the fact that she now had 10 more holes in her than she had before, I decided to repurchase her for 99 cents. I could not leave something that I created on a shelf to meet its demise like this. This may sound crazy but I felt that this was a major pumpkin rescue. I wanted to make a 2nd easy pumpkin craft for yall.

At home, I pulled out the supplies I had. There was a flower lei from Goodwill, a pack of colorful sequins from Michaels, scissors, and hot glue. I spend quite a while fixing this little pumpkin to the best of my ability. The first thing I did was use the little orange flowers as “band aids” to cover the holes in the pumpkin.  I hot glued the edges of the flowers onto the Styrofoam pumpkin. Here she is full of flowers and looking more stylish:

Taking it a step further I broke out my sequins that I bought the other day from Michaels for $1. I had wondered what I was going to do with them. Isn’t it interesting that there is usually a purpose that we do not know about yet. I would have NEVER guessed that I would have been putting back together a pumpkin. My pumpkin at that.

One tip I will give you about sequins is that they stick to the floor pretty well. I did the best when I just bored a few onto my leg and took them off of there after My glue dot was down on the flower. After I added the sequins and made sure that all of my orange flowers were glued down well. I also added green sequins to the stem which I think gave the pumpkin a lot of character.  This is the final product which I was happy with. I am still sad that she does not have a face but this is truly the best that I could do and I feel it is MUCH better than earlier. What do yall think?

Hope everyone has a great night! I will most likely be away for a few days. I am having oral surgery tomorrow and getting all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. FUN TIMES. Happy that I could bring yall this easy pumpkin craft the night before surgery! Please wish me luck and think about me tomorrow. Surgery is at 9 AM. The good news is that I will NEVER have to do this again. -_- Talk to you soon!

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The Dog Park with Photographs

 Hey Yall ! I hope everyone had a good day today! It was a beautiful day here in Charleston, SC to go to the dog park. This is one of the first days that I could feel a breeze outside and a hint of fall in the air. My boyfriend and I went to church and then took both of our dogs, Daisy and Charlie, on a day trip to the dog park. They had a hay day running all over the park and going swimming in the water! It still makes me laugh watching Daisy go swimming. How many Chihuahuas do you know that are water dogs!? She has a serious obsession with water (as long as it is not bath water).

I am convinced that Daisy was an otter in a former life, as this is exactly how she looks when she is swimming at the dog park. She always tries to go after the big green tennis ball that we throw out in the water for Charlie but is never able to bring it back, due to its size. She highly enjoys patting the water and trying to bite the splashes that she makes. She is truly a hilarious dog. Meanwhile, Charlie could search and find his ball all day long, 24 hours a day if given the chance. His heaven is made up of tennis balls growing from trees. ♥

Since there was such pretty lighting, I tried to take a few pictures of myself. I was trying to get a good one for my YouTube page. I have decided to use the second picture below in my profile but I do like both of them. I know that I need to get outside more, as I am sure it would help me feel a lot better. I am unsure why getting outside is so hard when you have depression.  There are a lot of things I wish that I was better at doing that feel quite basic. I’m thankful for today though because Jeremy, the pups, and I all enjoyed it.

We did stop by the Goodwill near the dog park. We are doing a lot better with not spending so much money. We went to a thrift store earlier and did not buy anything. I saw a light house light up lamp that I ALMOST got but due to knowing I had others similar, I did pass. I found a small Christmas tin though and I did decide to pick it up! I felt like it should have been cheaper due to being a tin with nothing in it but I ended up paying the $2.99. For those who do not know, I have started to collect tins. I love the colors on them, the detail, and how light weight they are! The ones I find are not really old but they make me feel good so I have decided to get a little collection going. So far I have a ferris wheel, double Decker bus, animal cracker tin can, and the little Christmas house I just found. Below is a picture of it. I must say that I really appreciate that it represents many races and ages  ♥

When I got home I started putting more things out for fall. We got down two storage bins from the outside shed and I went through one of them. It is fun to save things and then reopen them the next season. I had forgotten about the place mats that I stuck in there last year. I also didn’t remember the little owl salt shakers that I discovered in the bin along with some other decor. Here is a picture of our table now that it is all set up! I really do like how everything looks at the moment.

On that note, I am going to let yall go. I hope everyone had a really nice Sunday!!! We are VERY close to 1000 followers! I am so thankful and excited about that. Thank you for subscribing and supporting my blog. It means a great deal to me in a way that I cannot truly explain. Look forward to sharing more stories with yall next time!

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How to Make a Coffee Filter Halloween Suncatcher

Hey Yall! Happy National Coffee Day!!!! This day has inspired me to make a Halloween coffee craft for yall that adults and children can enjoy.   You could actually make any shape you wanted to with this craft! I decided to make a pumpkin and a spider which are pictured above ♥ This is a DIY I feel that kids would really enjoy making with their parents. Though I used a glue gun, a glue stick can absolutely be used. I highly recommend a glue stick if children are wanting to glue on the pieces of the jack o lanterns face.

I found out how to make this craft thanks to the blog Fireflies + Mudpies that is located here.

Here is what you need: 

Coffee filters (one per image that you are wanting to make)

Water spray bottle

Glue stick or glue gun



colored paper (I used green and black for the pumpkin)

*though a green pipe cleaner is pictured, I did not end up using it on my pumpkin. You CAN hole punch a few holes at the top of the pumpkin and thread pipe cleaner through them. Then curl the pipe cleaner around your fingers to make a vine)

How I did it: 

I used markers and colored the coffee filter. I did not color it neatly by any means. I just made sure that I got a pretty good bit of orange scribbled around the coffee filter.

Once you get done coloring the pumpkin, place a news paper or old wash cloth under neath it to prevent ink from running onto your desk.  Use your spray bottle to spritz the coffee filter. You do not need to soak it. You will notice your colors starting to spread and mix together on the coffee filter. I would recommend letting it dry before picking the filter up or hanging it up. It took mine about 30 minutes to dry.

As you can see from the picture below, the ink will run a little pit. If you pick the coffee filter up, the ink may drip. Ideally, this craft would be best done outside.

The spider was done the exact same way. The main difference was that I did draw the spider on the filter before I cut it out. It was a very rough draft of a spider, as I do not think I have ever made a spider craft before ha! It turned out well though 🙂

I actually did make a heart as well. I do not think I added enough colors to it but it turned out OK! I will show you the picture below. I look forward to seeing how these look hung up on the window! They would make great window decor!!! I have heard that these work great laminated. Due to not having a laminator, I am going to skip this step.  Hope everyone has a great night!!

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To The People That Stare

Hey Yall

I am dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression right now. I felt like it would help me to write this blog about those that choose to stand away and judge with only what they can see. I wanted to write this letter in honor of all those that could have been amazing in people’s lives, had they been given the chance. It is my goal to stand for those that suffer from mental illness and try to function despite the many obstacles that are, not by choice, put int their way. I can say things like “it is not fair” until I am blue in the face. Instead, tonight, I am going to write a letter. Dedicated to all those that looked me over and decided I was not good enough, that my story was too hard to relate too, that I was from the wrong side of the tracks, and that all around I was just a wild child in which they needed to stay away from.

To Whom It May Concern, 

When I met you, I most likely did not look into your eyes. During our first conversation it probably took all the energy I had to force a few sentences out. Without looking at you, I already knew I looked like a wounded animal that was shrinking  back to a safe place to die after our conversation. For it is not you that did this to me. It was someone long ago that broke a trust within me that I needed to connect with you.  I have no blue print of what a normal relationship is supposed to look like so in my mind, I’ve already failed. I’ve failed myself and I have failed you before we even had a chance to begin.

It is not your fault that you do not know my story, why I want to write it on my body, or write about it to the world. What hurts the most is that before you even get close to my story, you see warning signs ahead to turn around. Not only do you turn around but you do it so fast that tire tracks are left all over my heart. I felt the motion of the expected rejection that continuously happens to me on this road. You have become another name added to a long list of those before you that left.

Had you taken the time to make the spell that produces a key, you would have realized that nothing is as you saw it before. When you combine kindness, patience, and love you create a key into an ill persons heart. What you saw before you is what WAS and what lies inside is what IS. You would have have found broken glass that was once beautiful. Using your hands, you could have helped put me back together again. There would have been an overgrown garden full of thorns that once held the most sensational flowers. You could have slowly cut back all that was sharp and used your hands to bring that which was dead back to life. That is the power that one who cares carries within them.

Instead, you chose a different path that involved taking the key you could have used on me to lock yourself inside your world. Though I knocked you chose to not open, to not listen, and to not let me in. I was an outsider which was meant to stay on the other side of wherever you were. You did stare though. Oh, how you did stare at me with a  dark judgement that I never could shake. It made me feel cold and vulnerable when I was locked on the outside. Everything hurt and my body grew tired from trying to stand. Because I was weak I stood there and let you define me in a way that I was truly undeserving of. In a truly pathetic sense, it was better than nothing. Nothing means being alone.

I hope one day you stop staring at me. For you have no idea the loss I have endured, the obstacles that I have crossed, the miles I have traveled, the addresses I have lived, the promises that have been broken, and all that which was  taken from me. Yes, I may be rebellious, wild, angry, and free but it is due to these traits that I have survived today. Though I owe you nothing I can at least explain that there is no degree because I was trying to not die. I was trying to survive people like you as well, who could have helped but continuously hurt me. So feel proud, in your world, that I am not there. You have no idea how strong I am, who I could have been to you, or what I am even capable of.  Your eyes lie to you and one day, when you realize this, you will stop staring.

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You Can’t Buy or Eat Comfort But it Does Not Stop Me From Trying

Hey Yall!

So today I just wanted to quickly write about something that I struggle with. Everyone turns to something when they are in pain be it drinking, drugs, cutting, collecting, shopping, etc.  My issue is definitely shopping for items when I feel like my life is crashing down on me. The largest source of comfort is to be around great stories that have plots having to do with everything but my life, which is quite refreshing to say the least.  There is great comfort in that.  I’ve spent a tremendous amount of money trying to feel better only to be left broke and still miserable.  Just like many others, I feel that rush of excitement when I discover a new item. It may be new, look amazing, have pastel colors, or just something about it calms me. Into my buggy it goes and out the door to home. Only to find a corner to sit in and collect dust as I go back out and hunt for others that will make me feel a similar way. There is never enough time to buy all the things that I’m hoping are going to make be feel better. The older I get the more I realize that happiness cannot be bought. It also can’t be eaten…….

For those of us who are stress eaters, we understand the desire to stuff our mouths like squirrels.  I just sat here and ate 1/2 bag of Autumn mix candies. I can literally feel my teeth about to vacate my mouth due to an extreme sugar high. In Weight Watchers points, I think I may have scored in the millions over the past 30 minutes. Thankfully, I am not on that diet. So at least that is something. All jokes aside, I do try to often cope with life by eating. Because I enjoy eating and there are so few things that I enjoy, I tend to over eat. I do not by any means sit here and eat bon bons all day! I’m sure though that my portion sizes are too big, that I splurge to much, and that I eat too late. I’ve eaten many meals and I can tell you as someone who loves food that never once has my plate fixed one dam thing about my life. Shocker. And yet I continue the horrible cycle of being over weight and hurting myself with food. It is interesting how people in general return to what feels safe. Even if it is really bad for them. I believe that the same goes for habit, especially the hurtful ones. Raise your hand if you are over weight and truly happy? ::crickets:: yep…..

So how do we stop doing each of these things? I would guess that the first step would be admitting that we have a problem. By problem I do not mean that you are crazy. I’m saying that we are doing these things to ourselves because we are hurting on the inside. Many of us may not know why while others remember vividly the cause for our intense binges.  Speaking for myself, I do not WANT to remember. When I have to focus on that which happened to me it sends me into a complete downward spiral.  It is going to take me a long time to figure out how to not over eat. That has always been a huge problem in my life. With that being said, I can say that I am taking steps to address the spending money issue. I am currently reading a book called “goodbye, things” by Fumio Sasaki.  The writer advises readers on how to become a minimalist and change their life style.  Though I do not think I will be rolling out a sleeping bag for my bed or drying myself with only a wash cloth to save space any time in the near future, I can say that I am going to gain a lot from his book. I can identify with the thought process he describes that goes through our head when we purchase something.  Sasaki also goes on to explain how we can experience joy by having less. I’m currently reading his tips on how to let go of things I own. So far, I have a large bag packed for the thrift store. Tomorrow, I am going to be going through the books I own and seeing what I can donate of those . I cleaned the entire kitchen tonight and feel quite relieved at how it momentarily looks. Suffering from anxiety I can tell you that a clean atmosphere is essential. I cannot function when I am surrounded by a mess. It must be taken into consideration that we have 6 pets though so there is extensively more clean up in my house than the average house. Hence, why I probably stay exhausted. -_- Below is a picture of the kitchen that took me forever to clean… I rearranged things on the counter so that everything fits better!

Sometimes it is just a matter of going through what you do not need anymore. I did have a KCup holder that stood up vertically and took up a lot of space.

I realized that I could just use the storage underneath my Keurig to hold my KCups. The holder is now going into the donation bag and the counter is looking much better!

If I come up with any ideas on the eating thing I will let yall know. I feel that being in counseling is essential if you feel like you are struggling.  If you seek out a counselor, know that there are MANY out there and that if you do not connect with your counselor, move on. You do not want to share your life with someone that you do not feel you can trust, professional or not.  Remember, this is the person you are going to share dark secrets with like the late nights of stuffing your face or of the tremendous credit card debt from over shopping trips. Also, if you are struggling financially and need a counselor, remember to ask places if they have a sliding scale. This means that they will base your payment off of your income. This often requires you to bring in a pay stub or a certified letter stating you are unemployed.

Hope this info helps someone and remember to hang in there. ♥ Check out the book “goodbye, things” by Fumio Sasaki too for great tips on how to de clutter your life. Have a good night!

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