Dark Day

Today, I woke up feeling like my dog had died. I just felt down inside and knew immediately that this was going to feel like a dark day. There does not have to be a reason or a cause behind why I get like this. I’m getting to the point where this feels like a state of mind I constantly stay in. It’s sad and unfair because I am one of a minority of people that is actually trying to get better. I see people that are happy, energetic, and have the world ahead of them.  Many people before me and after me have gone to college and gotten degrees to hang on their wall. My wall looks pretty dam bare though. A piece of paper is not really going to make me feel good enough though. I was never validated as a kid. I don’t recall my mom ever saying she was proud of me, asking what I wanted to become, helping me set goals, etc. I’ve had to fight tooth and nail to get where I am but where exactly is that?

My marriage failed

School has failed

I’ve quit tons of jobs

If single, even working full time, I am limited to renting a single room in Charleston WITH roommates

Major debt

Alone. I feel so fucking alone. I miss my grandmother. I miss my siblings. I miss the phone calls.

What have I accomplished you ask? 

I can pack my life into a car

Feeling a level of fear that most people never get near

I have an Associates Degree that has done NOTHING for me(that I’ve been paying off for 6 plus years I believe)

Survived chronic bronchitis, pneumonia , and mono

Finding a counselor and Psychiatrist and trying to stick with them, despite having no insurance

Continuously cleaning my boyfriends house (laundry, dishes, floors, bathrooms, etc.)

Started a YouTube Channel “Jenny Laura”

Maintain a relationship, despite my depression

 

I’m tired of life being this level of fucking hard. I can’t afford college, I qualify for a minimum wage job at best (and that is IF I can land it), I don’t have one good friend in SC, I’m almost 30 with no children, it has become appealing to be completely isolated, I’m paranoid all the time that I will see my mom in a store, I rarely see family, I can’t afford my car payment/insurance payment/loan payment/phone payment/credit card payment, none of my pets are up to date on their medical treatment, my boyfriend and I are both un employed currently, I live in SC which I hate, and life just is feeling pretty pointless. My soul continues to hurt for things that I cannot fix, that I will never be able to fix.

If it sounds like I am stomping my feet and throwing a tempter tantrum I AM. I’m so over everything. I’m thankful for my boyfriend, my pets, food in the fridge, and a home. I don’t take any of that for granted because I have experienced the exact reverse. But the reality is that I am not married. I could blink my eyes and even the above could all go away.  I’ve come to the realization that everything good is over all, temporary.

If you think I sound depressed, I AM. This is why I write because it helps me get it out. And ironically, maybe my darkness can be perceived as light for someone in a similar state of mind. When you feel less alone, you feel comforted in a way that you cannot make yourself normally feel. I can eat and drink my pain but when I find someone who has suffered trauma and abuse, it is like drinking a cup of warm sweet coffee. This may sound insane but when trauma meets trauma, there is a special bond and understanding. Only a few people will probably get this.

Anyway, sorry to be such a downer. I just needed to get this off my chest as clearly, I am having a dark day. I hope one day they get a little brighter. Even dim would be ok. All this darkness is really wearing on my. I need to really spend some time praying about all this. I have faith that God can not only take away but he can give. If I learned anything from the grief class I took, it is that God “loans” us people that are special to us in our life but there comes a time when we must return them back because they belong to him. Every time I ask myself WHY I need to tell myself that. He didn’t TAKE anything or anyone, as each and every one of us belongs with him. He has a safe and beautiful place prepared for us and those we love that must go home. The biggest comfort is knowing that I will see people again. That this is not the end. Because if it was, I honestly would be done as a person.

Thank you for listening, loving, and supporting. Even on the dark days when it hurts.

 

 

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