Dark Day

Today, I woke up feeling like my dog had died. I just felt down inside and knew immediately that this was going to feel like a dark day. There does not have to be a reason or a cause behind why I get like this. I’m getting to the point where this feels like a state of mind I constantly stay in. It’s sad and unfair because I am one of a minority of people that is actually trying to get better. I see people that are happy, energetic, and have the world ahead of them.  Many people before me and after me have gone to college and gotten degrees to hang on their wall. My wall looks pretty dam bare though. A piece of paper is not really going to make me feel good enough though. I was never validated as a kid. I don’t recall my mom ever saying she was proud of me, asking what I wanted to become, helping me set goals, etc. I’ve had to fight tooth and nail to get where I am but where exactly is that?

My marriage failed

School has failed

I’ve quit tons of jobs

If single, even working full time, I am limited to renting a single room in Charleston WITH roommates

Major debt

Alone. I feel so fucking alone. I miss my grandmother. I miss my siblings. I miss the phone calls.

What have I accomplished you ask? 

I can pack my life into a car

Feeling a level of fear that most people never get near

I have an Associates Degree that has done NOTHING for me(that I’ve been paying off for 6 plus years I believe)

Survived chronic bronchitis, pneumonia , and mono

Finding a counselor and Psychiatrist and trying to stick with them, despite having no insurance

Continuously cleaning my boyfriends house (laundry, dishes, floors, bathrooms, etc.)

Started a YouTube Channel “Jenny Laura”

Maintain a relationship, despite my depression

 

I’m tired of life being this level of fucking hard. I can’t afford college, I qualify for a minimum wage job at best (and that is IF I can land it), I don’t have one good friend in SC, I’m almost 30 with no children, it has become appealing to be completely isolated, I’m paranoid all the time that I will see my mom in a store, I rarely see family, I can’t afford my car payment/insurance payment/loan payment/phone payment/credit card payment, none of my pets are up to date on their medical treatment, my boyfriend and I are both un employed currently, I live in SC which I hate, and life just is feeling pretty pointless. My soul continues to hurt for things that I cannot fix, that I will never be able to fix.

If it sounds like I am stomping my feet and throwing a tempter tantrum I AM. I’m so over everything. I’m thankful for my boyfriend, my pets, food in the fridge, and a home. I don’t take any of that for granted because I have experienced the exact reverse. But the reality is that I am not married. I could blink my eyes and even the above could all go away.  I’ve come to the realization that everything good is over all, temporary.

If you think I sound depressed, I AM. This is why I write because it helps me get it out. And ironically, maybe my darkness can be perceived as light for someone in a similar state of mind. When you feel less alone, you feel comforted in a way that you cannot make yourself normally feel. I can eat and drink my pain but when I find someone who has suffered trauma and abuse, it is like drinking a cup of warm sweet coffee. This may sound insane but when trauma meets trauma, there is a special bond and understanding. Only a few people will probably get this.

Anyway, sorry to be such a downer. I just needed to get this off my chest as clearly, I am having a dark day. I hope one day they get a little brighter. Even dim would be ok. All this darkness is really wearing on my. I need to really spend some time praying about all this. I have faith that God can not only take away but he can give. If I learned anything from the grief class I took, it is that God “loans” us people that are special to us in our life but there comes a time when we must return them back because they belong to him. Every time I ask myself WHY I need to tell myself that. He didn’t TAKE anything or anyone, as each and every one of us belongs with him. He has a safe and beautiful place prepared for us and those we love that must go home. The biggest comfort is knowing that I will see people again. That this is not the end. Because if it was, I honestly would be done as a person.

Thank you for listening, loving, and supporting. Even on the dark days when it hurts.

 

 

Remember to check out my other social media accounts below and please Follow Me!

| |

Grieving and Everything Hurts

Hey Yall ♥

The one thing about grieving is that it can hit you at any time, place, or state of mind. I was laying in bed about to fall asleep and I was overcome with a longing for my grandmother. I miss her in a way I do not even know how to explain. No one prepares you for what it is like to lose your best friend. It is a feeling I would not wish on anyone, not even an enemy. I imagined myself talking to her tonight and her talking back. Telling her I missed her, asking if there was coffee in heaven (which she of course said yes), asking if all her friends were there (which again she said they were), telling her I loved her, etc. I imagined her in a white outfit, looking very healthy, on a beach walking in front of me. When she sees me she runs up to me and takes my hand. She wants to show me everything as she smiles excitedly. But I cannot go with her. At least not yet. In some way, she does seem to understand this. At this point, literally 1/4 of my boyfriends pillow is soaked with my tears. I feel God saying to me that He has her. That his angels are around me right now singing and comforting me. This I do truly believe is happening.

The fact is, there is no easy way to lose someone. I remember one of my co workers telling me after I lost my brother that it is normal to just feel everything. Some moments I may be fine and then others it will just hit me. My grandmother was not even like a best friend, she was a mom. You know when we lack something in our lives and someone fills that void, they are truly irreplaceable. There were all these gaps and cracks in my heart and she did everything in her power to fill them all in. When I felt I was ripping apart she would stitch me back together as fast as she could. And just to make sure I was OK, she would call me several times a day to make sure. When the bottom dropped out, she threw me down that rope and pulled me up.

If I could have saved her, turned back time, or done anything to make it easier I would have. There are five stages to grief:

Denial

Anger

Bargaining 

Depression 

Acceptance 

I know right now I am in the denial phase. Though I am grieving her, it comes in waves. I feel as if I am in shock and that I’m going to wake up, that she is still here. In time, I’m sure the sheer anger of her being taken will come. Most likely, I will completely turn the anger onto myself for not visiting more or being there for her more. I’m not sure what bargaining will feel like in that I know I cannot get her back. I feel like bargaining may come right before a person passes. I would have given my right arm for her to stay here. Literally. Depression I’m sure will come very natural as this tends to be my state of mind these days. And acceptance, in time, will follow all of this. I would not believe it but for the fact I have lost people before and been through a divorce. I’ve complete faith that this is an actual stage that happens when we least expect it. When our tears have run out and we feel as if we ourselves are one foot in the grave.  Relief comes as our memory begins to slip and our sadness starts to lighten ever so much.  It’s so discreet that it is hard to tell it has even happened until one day we look back and realize, it has. And that we have survived the entire process. If you are grieving, understand that you are not alone and that all of this is truly a painful process that we must go through. The preacher at my grandmother’s funeral said “we grieve because we loved so much.” It is true.

It is important to always remember that where there is pain, there is also a pen. You can always write down everything that is in your heart. I choose to share it on my blog and through YouTube publicly because this is what has always felt comforting to me.  I reach out to people because I truly need the support, as I have lacked it so much in my life. It may sound desperate but I have met such kind people through doing this that have sent me an immense amount of comfort. Even those that do not reach out I want you to know that I appreciate your prayers, thoughts, and time to come and hear my story.

If you are going through something painful, I recommend the song “Stronger” by Sarah Evans. It can be found in the link below. Though it is about a breakup, it applies to any type of grief we are going through. Click below to listen:

“Stronger” – By Sarah Evans 

Another good one is by Carrie Underwood called “I Will See You Again.” I will put this one below as well. Just click on the song and you will be directed to it:

“I Will See You Again” – By Carrie Underwood 

This was our last coffee together. Gaga always wanted a straw to go with her coffee ♥ I hope God makes her a lot of it in heaven. Take care of her Lord. She was my angel.

Remember to check out my other social media accounts below and please Follow Me!

| |

Losing Her – The Most Painful Experience of my Life

Hey Yall

I am not sure how to even explain what I have been through over the past few days. Everything is really a blur.  I want to wake up and none of this have happened. I got a call on August 15th from my Aunt. I knew my grandmother had gone into the hospital for some tests and was not feeling well. However, I did not know that she turned critical until I answered that call. My aunt let me know she was headed down and that my grandmother may not recover.  Though my grandmother, “Gaga,” was very sick I knew that she had bounced back before. I could not wrap my mind around her not recovering. She had to recover, as she was the strongest person I knew. My boyfriend and I did both rush home, pack a bag, and jumped in the car. When we got there my grandmother had an oxygen mask on and I could tell was not doing well.

I did everything I could think of to do to make her comfortable. I brushed her hair, held her hands, and talked to her. She started opening her eyes some when my boyfriend and I got there. She would respond to my voice each time I talked to her and though she could not speak back, I knew she could hear me. We were waiting until my Aunt made it to take off the mask. I had this horrific feeling that she was going to feel miserable without the mask and that everything was going to go wrong. However, that is not what happened. When everyone was there and the mask was removed, she seemed to feel a lot better. She actually was able to say “yes” and “no” to questions. When I asked her if she wanted to go to Starbucks she said “yep.”   I told her when she got better we would go. Her vitals seemed to stabilize somewhat and after answering us some she fell back asleep.

When she was opening her eyes some what with the mask I did get to show her what a beautiful day it was outside from a picture on my phone. I truly believe heaven was getting ready for her beautiful soul.

My grandmother was later moved to a hospital room on a floor. The nurse mentioned the word “comfort care” which I hated. I felt like she was going to recover and that they should not call it that. Looking back, I am so thankful for the nurses who truly did make sure she stayed comfortable. Julie, my aunt, and I stayed up off and on through the night with Gaga. Other people went home due to exhaustion. Every time I woke up I checked to see if she was breathing. I slept sitting straight up and leaning over her bed. My boyfriend was next to me in the bed. I could have lay down but I chose not too. It seemed too far away. My aunt slept in a chair on the other side of her bed. There was a point in the night when my grandmother did start to struggle and reach out. Immediately, we called for meds which led to more meds. My aunt eventually looked at me with this look that let me know this was not reversing. There is no greater pain than seeing someone you love suffer. My grandmother, Laura Ann, was hands down the best person I have EVER known.

She took me in when I had no where to go, accepted every single path (as crazy as many were) that I went down, and took interest in me in a way no one ever has. She was a mom I never had, a friend I always enjoyed, and someone I confided in. “Gaga” LOVED to shop, go to movies (and eat tons of popcorn), and get coffee with me. I cannot explain the respect and love that I have for her and always will. She was authentic and loved the Lord. I am at peace knowing that when she passed, we were all in the room. We were laughing and talking about memories and she did not struggle. I also know where she is right now and that is with God, watching over us. She had the most beautiful  white casket and pink & purple flowers. Even the inside of the casket was pink! It was incredibly fitting for her as she loved roses and those colors.  I miss her and always will. We talked (she listened) over those few days at the hospital. I told her that it has been an honor, that I expected her at all of my future events like my wedding/kids/etc, how thankful I was to her for all that she had done for me, how incredible she was, etc. I played “I Will See You Again” by Carrie Underwood for her. My aunt and I hummed “Amazing Grace” on Wednesday night when she started struggling. We kept re positioning her so that she would be comfortable. We also played classical music and hymns, which she would have loved.  Everyone got there time to speak with her alone and say goodbye. She hung on until we were all looking away talking to each other in her room to go.

We took breaks in between of taking care of her. My boyfriend held my hand outside of the hospital, brought us coffee, helped my grandfather get home to rest, brought us back McDonalds (and me some healthy snacks),  spent the night at the hospital, brought back my grandmother’s false teeth and glasses to the hospital, etc. I am so thankful for him that he went through that with me. People show who they truly are in times like this. I’m very lucky to be with a person like him.

On August 16, my grandmother passed away in the afternoon. I wish I could change it for myself because selfishly I want to keep her in my life forever. But she made me who I am and had such an effect on everyone around her. Many people showed up to her funeral and she is buried in a cemetery that is absolutely beautiful. There are so many oak trees with moss all  around. I will enjoy going to talk to her and am at peace knowing that she was laid to rest there.  It is never our time someone we love passes but it is theirs. I pray that God takes care of her, makes her lots of coffee, and lets her come back to watch over us. Until I see you again one day Gaga…I like to think of you doing your favorite things up in heaven….

Remember to check out my other social media accounts below and please Follow Me!

| |