I am Sad

Tonight I broke down and cried for a long time. Sometimes I am sad because everything seems to stay the same. The routine, the expectations, and the loss. While other times, everything seems to be changing around me and leaving me behind. Tonight I feel so lonely and sad. I reside  inside a dark place  that no one can find. I’m so tired of sitting back and watching everyone accomplish things in their life that I desire for myself.   At the same time, I’m tired, achy, and mentally unwell. My heart is in the right place but despite great efforts, I can’t get my gears to work. Just call me a broken down car.  Depression is a battle that I do not know how to win. My quality of life has deteriorated and I feel as if I am being destroyed in slow motion. I want to get better but even that seems like an unbelievable feat to figure out. #thestruggleisreal

 

 

To The People That Stare

Hey Yall

I am dealing with a lot of anxiety and depression right now. I felt like it would help me to write this blog about those that choose to stand away and judge with only what they can see. I wanted to write this letter in honor of all those that could have been amazing in people’s lives, had they been given the chance. It is my goal to stand for those that suffer from mental illness and try to function despite the many obstacles that are, not by choice, put int their way. I can say things like “it is not fair” until I am blue in the face. Instead, tonight, I am going to write a letter. Dedicated to all those that looked me over and decided I was not good enough, that my story was too hard to relate too, that I was from the wrong side of the tracks, and that all around I was just a wild child in which they needed to stay away from.

To Whom It May Concern, 

When I met you, I most likely did not look into your eyes. During our first conversation it probably took all the energy I had to force a few sentences out. Without looking at you, I already knew I looked like a wounded animal that was shrinking  back to a safe place to die after our conversation. For it is not you that did this to me. It was someone long ago that broke a trust within me that I needed to connect with you.  I have no blue print of what a normal relationship is supposed to look like so in my mind, I’ve already failed. I’ve failed myself and I have failed you before we even had a chance to begin.

It is not your fault that you do not know my story, why I want to write it on my body, or write about it to the world. What hurts the most is that before you even get close to my story, you see warning signs ahead to turn around. Not only do you turn around but you do it so fast that tire tracks are left all over my heart. I felt the motion of the expected rejection that continuously happens to me on this road. You have become another name added to a long list of those before you that left.

Had you taken the time to make the spell that produces a key, you would have realized that nothing is as you saw it before. When you combine kindness, patience, and love you create a key into an ill persons heart. What you saw before you is what WAS and what lies inside is what IS. You would have have found broken glass that was once beautiful. Using your hands, you could have helped put me back together again. There would have been an overgrown garden full of thorns that once held the most sensational flowers. You could have slowly cut back all that was sharp and used your hands to bring that which was dead back to life. That is the power that one who cares carries within them.

Instead, you chose a different path that involved taking the key you could have used on me to lock yourself inside your world. Though I knocked you chose to not open, to not listen, and to not let me in. I was an outsider which was meant to stay on the other side of wherever you were. You did stare though. Oh, how you did stare at me with a  dark judgement that I never could shake. It made me feel cold and vulnerable when I was locked on the outside. Everything hurt and my body grew tired from trying to stand. Because I was weak I stood there and let you define me in a way that I was truly undeserving of. In a truly pathetic sense, it was better than nothing. Nothing means being alone.

I hope one day you stop staring at me. For you have no idea the loss I have endured, the obstacles that I have crossed, the miles I have traveled, the addresses I have lived, the promises that have been broken, and all that which was  taken from me. Yes, I may be rebellious, wild, angry, and free but it is due to these traits that I have survived today. Though I owe you nothing I can at least explain that there is no degree because I was trying to not die. I was trying to survive people like you as well, who could have helped but continuously hurt me. So feel proud, in your world, that I am not there. You have no idea how strong I am, who I could have been to you, or what I am even capable of.  Your eyes lie to you and one day, when you realize this, you will stop staring.

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